OMH: Hello Alan, how are you doing?

AH: Not too bad Wheels.

OMH: How did the cricket go today?

AH: Wasn’t too bad, I got a wicket anyway. That made up for being spanked all over the ground.

OMH: You’re not going to get an easy opening question! Who did you vote for as player of the season? Or is it between you and the ballot box?

AH: I mean I’d have to say that it would be between Waley and Ben, and I’ll give you my reasons why.

OMH: Ben in goal, or on the pitch?

AH: Ben in goal! Jesus not Ben on the pitch, he would have won worst player if he was judged on his outfield performances. Geezer has been the worst!

(Alan says this so Geezer can hear as he walks past, everybody laughs)

AH: Waley has shown this season that he is so important when he doesn’t play. We miss him so much when he doesn’t play, and to me that shows his value to the team. We miss his hold up play as well as his dribbling, and obviously his goals are one of his strongest attributes. I mean he was comfortably scorer again this season. He is great at linking the play together and holding the ball up. Moving onto Ben, he has been absolutely sensational in goal, he comes out and gives me so much confidence as a central defender. For me personally it would have to be between those two. But everybody has their different opinions.

OMH: How do you think you played?

AH: I think I’ve done okay, This is only my second full season for the Rangers, with a three gap in between. I think this season was all about getting myself into shape for playing every Sunday morning. I think I’ve had good to decent games in about 60% of them, 20% average games. I think I’ve has my fair share of shockers this season, there has been a few when I’ve been f**k**g awful. That’s the way football goes, next season I want to be consistent and play well every week. I should be physically fit but I just need to concentrate more and get my mental strength up. I’ve done good enough!

OMH: What’s your favourite moment of playing for Headstone Rangers? It could be on or off the field, whatever sticks in your mind!

AH: God, I’m not sure to be honest , you have really put me on the spot. Its got to be tour, hasn’t it? The camaraderie thing, just going away and getting away from my parents. Just being able to let your hair down, and you become really close friends with your team-mates. My first tour was Antwerp was absolutely fantastic, I just remember having a fantastic time. The last night of that tour was a bit blurry but I seem to remember everybody being bladdered. I do remember we were scheming to steal that Ronald McDonald statue from outside McDonalds.

OMH: I think tour is a great way for players who are new to the club to come out of their shell. I mean you knew myself, Matty, Geezer the cricket people but I believe it helped you with everybody else.

AH: Yep, I mean now that everybody knows me I think they can see that I’m quite a shy person when I don’t know someone. When I joined I was really quiet.

OMH: That’s all changed now.

(both start laughing)

AH: The whole thing on the first tour changed people’s opinions on me I think, I nearly burned my Argentinean shirt with you and Bailey, I serenaded that lady by stripping at Gouderak, and running through the square naked.

OMH: What has been your favourite Ranger goal? It could be one of your own or by someone else.

AH: It has to be a goal scored this season, I’m atrocious at remembering teams. Over at Gurnell swimming pool in Perivale.

OMH: We played LNER Sports.

AH: Thanks Wheels, anyway Gary took a free kick on the left wing, he always puts in the sweetest balls that you could want.

OMH: He thinks his final ball is gash!

AH: Well if he reads this . . . .Gaz you put absolute quality into the box! The ball in was superb and my header was awesome. I go to bed every night thinking about that goal! it was exceptional cross and header. It was a Beckham type cross, if Becks was left footed he would cross a ball like that.

OMH: Have you a favourite team goal? One that sticks in your mind?

AH: The only other one that sticks in my mind, it was the same game. 50p picked the ball up on the halfway line, stormed down the left wing. He shot from an impossible angle, the ball went through the side netting and the referee awarded it!

OMH: Who is your favourite centre back partner? You have had a few this season!

AH: Certainly have, I mean that’s a difficult. As a team the area on the pitch where we are strongest is in the middle of our defence. We have got four quality centre backs, I hope I haven’t missed anyone out.

OMH: Liggo?

AH: But Liggo is shit! Only joking Liggo! He’s good somewhere. I think us centre backs all have our own strengths, and I have as many weaknesses as everybody else. I lose my concentration as much as anyone. 50p is so good in the air, any balls in the air he deals with comfortably, Chandler just talks constantly, he is amazing fun to play alongside. If I was too pick someone to play alongside for enjoyment factor, it would be Chandler as he is an absolute idiot! Jarvo is probably the best player in the team, so he’s great to play with. I don’t mind really who I play with, but I like consistency. Along as I have time to build a relationship with my defensive partner, as you need an understanding.

OMH: Sometimes I think we don’t defend well as a team. What I mean by that is that all 11 players don’t do enough, tracking back and helping out.

AH: It all boils down, and if Crofty is reading this, is must start with the fantasy league team. Midfielders should cop half the points that defenders do for letting goals in. Everybody knows it not just the defenders who have to defend and everybody has to full back and defend. To be honest most of the time, everybody does drop back and do their jobs, it’s only the occasional lapses that have cost us. This season we have put in some awesome performances, going back to that game at Gurnell that was a top performance.

OMH: I agree, I mean I had been back in the country for only two days and was jetlagged, we had Liggo and Rosso who were still pissed, we had a few players who had knocks and no subs.

AH: I have to say that although the county cup games were the most important, I think that game at Gurnell with as you say Rosso and Liggo being a disgrace, that was our finest performance of the season.

OMH: Was that a true Rangers performance?

AH: I would say so, I’m still proud of that game. Everybody who played that day gave everything to the cause. Before the game everybody was thinking that we would struggle. We had 11 players, two were pissed but it was a monumental effort. Rosso was out of this world at right back, considering the state he was in. The first half we dicked on them 3-0, and we sat back second half and only conceded a late penalty. I remember walking off thinking how great that game was.

OMH: On a lighter note, who’s the funniest player at the club and why?

AH: Ermm, I think the funniest player on the pitch is Chandler. Playing alongside him is a very rewarding experience. He just talks bollocks the whole time, he is hilarious even though he gets dicked on for 90 minutes. Strikers walk past him like he isn’t there, he’s crap in the air, crap on the ground.

OMH: He attacks referees?

AH: Yeah, he leaves us in a load of shit after Olly had ploughed through the back of me and left us with one sub left, what were you thinking Chaz? Crofty is the funniest guy off the field, as he is bollocks and he talks bollocks. You have to realise that he doesn’t really hate you! But when it comes to having Crofty do a couple of shots because he has been rubbish on tour. He was the worst player on tour!

OMH: Comfortably!

AH: Easily, he suddenly gets a headache and goes home.

OMH: The tour before, I felt terrible, rough, but as worst player I had to drink six of the biggest shots you’ve ever seen, and you know what? I did them!

AH: That proves that Crofty is a dirty lightweight!

OMH: If you could change one thing about the club what would be?

AH: Last season I really enjoyed playing, after a wobbly start! Geezer was awful though!

Geezer: F**k off you can’t put that in Wheels!

OMH: Chin Up!

(everybody but Geezer start laughing)

AH: There are only certain amount of bald people that you can have at the club! I’ve not got a great deal of hair but at least I could grow mine, he is properly bald!

OMH: Geezer does have a decent goal record though.

AH: He should have with the chances that I set him up with.

OMH: Alan thanks a lot for the interview.