OMH: Hiya Chaz how are you?

JC: Very well thanks.

OMH: So I’ll start with a nice easy question. What was going through your mind when you pushed that referee? Was it the vodka or something else?

(Both Laugh)

JC: Oh it was such a long time ago I can’t really remember.

OMH: Well dodged, but you’re not getting off that easy. Talk us through the incidents.

JC: Right, first booking, Skipper was on the touchline chasing a man back towards their goal. I remember it exactly, Skip slid in and clearly got the ball as well as taking their man out as well, and as we all know football is a physical game. Skip got up with the ball and ran into the area. The referee then blown his whistle indicating a foul by Skipper, which wasn’t a foul, it wasn’t a foul! I obviously argued the decision with my mate (the referee) and I put my point across to him which he objected to. He then said that I had contested every decision that he made so far in the game. I replied to him that the only reason that I had done that was because he hadn’t made a correct one yet. I said that nicely and he took that personally and booked me. The second one was totally Clarke’s fault. If that fat bastard hadn’t have been so slow in the challenge. He got caught on the ball by their centre midfielder and got taken out, fairly I thought this whole incident would never have happened. Their midfielder broke with the ball, Richard chased him and took him out, the ball trickled away to the touchline and the referee blew for the foul. It was the correct decision but the referee wasn’t consistent, I once again objected with Richard who got booked for it and I didn’t. Their lino has kicked two balls on and I then kicked one off and I was booked for kicking the ball, second yellow! I’m thinking it probably wasn’t the best thing that I could have done but I decided to leave the field of play and it was only at that point did the vodka kick in and as everybody knows vodka to me is like Stella to Hunter, or Snakebite isn’t it Al? I reacted badly and then watched the rest of the game from the car park.

OMH: How hard was it missing so much football? I mean the fine will not hurt you in the long run but u won’t get those six months of games back again.

JC: I didn’t play at all for the next six months which really hurt. I was gutted to be only watching games on a Saturday and Sunday and not being played. That really hurts, but I suppose that’s what you get when you do something stupid like I did, and you then have to watch crap like Morren and Jim Clarke on the pitch.

(Both Start Laughing)

OMH: So tour sum it up?

JC: Tour is something different, tour is when you get to know people and make friends, friends for life really. I’ve not had a bad tour yet, I’ve enjoyed every moment of it and I certainly don’t intend to start now. I believe this is possibly going to be the best tour yet, with the players we have and also with the supporters we have got going. You can’t fault anyone and I’m sure we’ll have a great tour.

OMH: What have been your favourite moments on tour?

JC: There have been a few moments that come to mind, unfortunately they are all off the pitch. Both moments were for me from our tour of Breda. I won the best player of the tour and as punishment I had to do about six dirty shots with Duttsy who won worst player of the tour. During the drinking race, I figured that he played fair but lost, it was only afterwards that I realised that half of his six shots were actually water. Even more strange was that they were the shots he did first and he also seemed to struggle with. The second bit . . .  (long pause) I don’t want to talk about it.

OMH: Is it to do with you stripping Skipper?

JC: (starts laughing) no I actually forgot about that. Nobody liked that Ginger shouldn’t be allowed, ginger pubic hair is not the way to go!

(Both start laughing again)

OMH: How do you follow that? What has been your favourite Rangers goal? You have scored crackers in the past.

JC: Oh god let me think. Actually my best one is easy to think of. It was a goal I scored against Edgware Rangers at Bannister Sports Centre. It was the final game of the 2003 / 04 season. Well as I’m sure you remember Wheels I scored from just inside their half. People know I’m a bit lazy and if I can score from there, then I’m not going to run 30 yards with the ball and miss like Geezer does every week (starts laughing), Cheesy and Olly do it on a regular basis as well!

OMH: Who’s been our best player this season?

JC: Two people for me. Waley has been on fire and his effort is unbelievable, he’s consistently putting in top performances up front and he’s absolute quality. Sorry I made a mistake it’s three players! Secondly is Jamie Larner who has really come into his own on the pitch. I’ve watched him in training and he looks a bag of piss really, he has the touches but. . .  but its on the pitch where looks most at the home. I mean training is difficult at Vyners when you only have limited touches and space. But on the pitch Jamie is absolute quality. Finally is Ben Aitken, when he plays in goal.

OMH: Not when he’s on the pitch?

JC: Not so much on the pitch. Keep plugging away mate, unlucky! You are an exceptional goalkeeper and in the semi final the other week you really kept us in it with three or four awesome saves and great.

OMH: Who gives you the hardest game in training?

JC: Hardest in training? (short pause) Jarv, definitely Jarvo. Its just ermm . . .  Legs, legs everywhere, he can just stretch across the sports hall in two or three strides. He’s also very difficult to get around and he has one hell of a left foot when he has the ball as well as the vision to match it, Jarv’s the bastard!

OMH: You have been criticised by certain players for not putting in the performances every week that your undoubted talent warrants. How would you answer them?

JC: F%$k them! No, anyone who plays on a Saturday afternoon or a Sunday morning with only a couple of hours sleep and quite a few bottles of bud in them are the only people really who could understand how difficult it is running up Stanmore Rec. at quarter past 11 on the 19th November in the pouring rain. People like Clarke, who is obviously my biggest critic and probably where this question has come from or has sculpted for. Clarke plays once a week, he’s been out injured for ages and only played a couple more games than me, in my opinion he obviously has weight barring problems and he need to lighten up in more ways than one.

OMH: Do you think that its not helped that you are one of few players such as Crofty and Liggo who do get shifted around the pitch a little bit?

JC: Well me and Hunter were playing quite well at the beginning of the season in the middle of defence.

OMH: Do you think that that’s the best you’ve played consistently?

JC: At the club definitely, me and Hunter are on and off the pitch quite good friends and we do understand each other. He goes in places with his head where the US army would be afraid to go, while I stand back and sweep up any balls he misses and generally look more prettier that he does. I’ve also got a lot more hair than him, his is falling out quite rapidly.

OMH: Where would you like to play on a Sunday if you were given an extended run in one position where would it be? If you hadn’t played the day before and not had 17 buds the night before. I know it’s a lot of ifs and buts.

JC: I would want to play centre midfield. I think me and Larner would do much better than Larner and Clarkey ever have. Centre midfield is a nice position, it is where you can make a big difference to the game. I like to get stuck in and kick the opposing players and cause some mischief.       

OMH: Who’s the funniest player at the club?

JC: Funniest. There are a lot of funny people at the club . . . to look at rather than to listen to. To look at I mean I can look at Olly all day and laugh, just the way . . . gormless! But funny as Haa Haa, I would have to say Clarkey. The reason being his speeches before the game when he is trying to get the morale up, I find them absolutely hilarious, and I can’t control myself.

OMH: Can you explain about you and Clarkey’s fondness’ for ‘Your Mum’ jokes? Why do you have a go at Clarkey’s mum Valerie?

JC: I’m not going to go into to much detail as PC Plod is probably sitting next to me on the tour bus at the moment reading this, alright Jimbo! I’m obviously not talking about your mum, its younger brother mum, who’s the . . . (OMH has decided to not print the next word in case of offending anyone, Ed.). It’s just friendly banter, I’ve been a friend of his family for years and years, and has been to mine. It’s just one of those things that everybody does when they are growing up and I guess I never did mature! Clarkey does is to try and fool everybody into thinking he’s still young and hip, he’s not! He’s getting married this summer, he’s going to get older, settle down even more and become more boring and probably age twice as quickly. It’s a way of keeping him young.

OMH: What’s the best part of being a Ranger?

JC: The showers at Stanmore Rec!

(Both start laughing again)

OMH: You can’t really follow that!

JC: I’ve never seen or heard of any arguments between players, or ill feeling or ill discipline. We have one fairness and sportsmanship awards and there’s a reason why.

OMH: We won’t win any this year!

JC: (trying not to laugh) no free footballs this year! But if we’re struggling I might steal some from Harrow Borough or Yeading.

OMH: How much longer do you think your play for the Rangers?

JC: Until the Rangers Die!

OMH: Apart from trophies which we all want to win, what else do you want to accomplish?

JC: Europe, I wanna crack Europe this tour. We need to win both tour games this year over 90 minutes and not 75 minutes like last year. Unfortunately some one spoilt that game for everybody as well. However I think everybody was quite glad that I got the game abandoned early as it was 10am in the morning, everybody felt terrible and it had been pouring with rain. Hopefully everybody gets a good game, and everybody gets to play where they like, apart from Ben who has to play in goal for both games as we want clean sheets. This also allows Ajay to play up front where he can show off his unbelievable skills. He’s been looking quite sharp at training recently hasn’t he?

OMH: He certainly has! Finally your Hawaiian shirt for the Friday night, what is it going to look like?

JC: I might take James Clarke shopping with me prior to tour. He’s got some history in buying and wearing Hawaiian shirts. He’s got a lot of experience in buying that type of garment, I’ve seen some of the shirts that he has bought his brother for Christmas for example. His dad has also got shit dress sense too, so as a family I could go out with Peter or Richard and get a nasty shirt.

OMH: Or even Valerie?

JC:I tend to take Valerie in other ways though Jimbo! I’ll certainly speak to Jimbo and keep under wraps till the Friday night.

OMH: Thanks Chaz.

JC: Cheers mate!