Phillip Crowcroft is an individual who few people understand. At times I’m sure he doesn’t understand himself. What makes Phil tick? What turns him to his alter ego ‘Crofty’? OMH managed this exclusive interview and hopefully some of these questions are answered.
OMH: Hello Crofty, how are you?
PC: Up your arse!
OMH: How did you find today’s game against Larkspur Rovers ‘B’? Our last game before tour. How do you think we did?
PC: We did quality because Crofty was upfront and he scored!
Crofty stands up and punches the air!
OMH: Is that your favourite position?
PC: Naah, don’t be silly, Right Back. But I don’t get to play there now.
OMH: Okay, Right Back is your favourite but is it your best position?
PC: Well yeah, you don’t have to do much running there.
OMH: So why do you think Mozzer complains about playing full back?
PC: (long pause) What?
OMH: Why do you think Mozzer complains about playing full back?
PC: Because he thinks he’s the best Right Midfielder at the club.
OMH: Okay, how do you think the season has gone?
PC: Absolute b*$^@!%s.
OMH: In your opinion what could we have done differently?
PC: (Long pause again) . . . Retired!!
OMH: Okay, as ever Crofty you’re being nice and brief. Are you looking forward to this year’s tour to Noordwijk?
PC: (Cheeky grin appears on Crofty’s face) Certainly am, will be getting battered while we’re there but there’s still two weeks to go so I’ll be getting battered before then as well.
OMH: Is that what you look most forward to on tour? Everybody getting battered?
PC: Getting battered and playing football of course. There’s a shame there’s no strippers there.
OMH: We don’t know that for sure.
PC: It’s a family seaside resort, there will be no strip bars there.
OMH: Well we might be able to get Tanja, Fran, Karen and Sal to strip. Would you pay to see that?
PC: Well I would if it was the Wheeler brothers!!!
OMH: Well you might see that as well, how much?
PC: 50p.
OMH: Done. . . . Moving swiftly along, this year’s tour programme will have the OMH top 25 tour memories. What is your personal favourite?
PC: Scoring on my first game in Europe, against Oosterhout after a lovely though ball by Olly.
OMH: Yeah Olly did play a lovely through ball, I did see it, couldn’t believe it. Do you like playing abroad? Do you like the pitches? Do you think it suits you all round (no pun intended) game? Do you prefer the slower pace?
PC: No I prefer running through the mud and the dog s&%t on Stanmore Rec.
OMH: Don’t like playing on turf pitches then?
PC: No it shows up how crap I am!!!!!!
OMH: What about playing Gouderak? Do you enjoy playing there? We know the Gaffer loves playing there.
PC: Decent ground, decent team, gay referee but they give us plenty of beer after the game, most of it free.
OMH: You can understand then why the Gaffer likes them so much?
PC: Well that’s because he’s a God there!!!!!!!
OMH: I can see them making him a member there.
PC: It would be nice for him. He might actually win a trophy with them!!!!
OMH: Have you got a message for Gouderak? Would you like to play them at Stanmore? Or do you think we should hire a pitch?
PC: Well I think we should play them at Stanmore. See if they can play their fancy football there.
OMH: Do you think they would struggle in the mud and the grime.
PC: We would annihilate them!!!! (says confidently)
OMH: Who has been your player of the season?
PC: 50p.
OMH: Why?
PC: Well we’ve all been b*$^@!%s, no exceptions but at least he’s been trying every game.
OMH: Who’s been the worst player this season?
PC: (without hesitation) Crofty.
OMH: Apart from yourself?
PC: (without hesitation) Wheeler.
OMH: Cheers mate, that £5 was for you saying Player of the Season.
Crofty starts laughing uncontrollably
OMH: What have we lacked at this level (division one)?
PC: Skill, fitness, a bit of luck with referees because frankly we’ve had none.
OMH: The
referees have been terrible to us this year/
PC: They’ve been an absolute joke!!
OMH: Do you think we should ask the league to remain in Division One next season?
PC: Not really, if we finish bottom we can’t really stay up can we.
OMH: We may get a reprieve however because they’re restructuring the league. For some reason they are getting rid of the Premier Division and the Intermediate and they’re just renaming the divisions. Don’t really see the point of that personally.
PC: I think if you finish bottom you gotta go down. We are probably going to finish quite a long way off the rest of the pack.
OMH: You don’t think we’re pick up many points against Edge of Town Reserves and Edgware Rangers?
PC: Might scrape a point, but if you pick Crofty up front we may get six points, three games, three goals, stats don’t lie!
OMH: Where do you think you’ll play on tour?
PC: Centre midfield with young Chandler if the rumours are to be believed, we’re going to run our b*$^@!%s off.
OMH: Not Wheeler or Goodman?
PC: I thought Wheeler was going to be a quality centre back.
OMH: Well after Phil Jarvis and Stuart’s performances today I may not get an opportunity there.
PC: Hopefully you’re be a sub.
OMH: I’ll second that. Which player are we going to miss the most on tour? Off the field / on the field? Or who are we not going to miss?
PC: Well off the field it’s gotta be Skipper, he’s an absolute monkey when pissed. (starts pissing himself) . Off the field I’ve gotta go with Jarvo really. Not going to miss Matty Wheeler one little bit.
OMH: So you find Skipper entertaining?
PC: who’s going to buy Skipper’s round?
OMH: I’m asking the questions? Don’t know!!!!! Who should be captain on tour? We have no Skipper? 50p or Clarkey. How do you think it should be decided? A draw of names? An auction?
PC: I would go for Chandler?
OMH: Why?
PC: If you give him some responsibility he might start performing for once this season!
OMH: Also on the playing side of tour, we haven’t got a goalkeeper. We have three people who have volunteered to do a half. Mozzer, Olly and Matty if fit. Would you play in goal for the other half?
PC: If you wanna lose hideously. You’ve seen me at Goals on Thursday nights I’m terrible.
OMH: Who would you suggest to do the last half then?
PC: Nick.
OMH: Why Nick is he any good?
PC: Well he can’t do any worse than the other three monkeys?
OMH: I do know that you’ve adopted the Wheelers catch phrase ‘throw some shapes’. Do you like throwing shapes?
PC: I try but I’m poo. I did do a good back heel on Saturday!
OMH: Quick predictions, Best player on tour?
PC: Crofty.
OMH: Worst player?
PC: Morren.
OMH: Would you like so Mozzer do a nasty with his shirt off?
PC: I would like to see him to do a nasty. But he’ll keep his shirt on.
OMH: Finally tour next year, where do you want to go?
PC: (Thinks for about ten seconds) Florida!!!
OMH: Why not Holland again?
PC: I will tour anywhere with the Rangers apart from France as it a s&^%e hole!
OMH: Thanks for your time Phil.
PC: Piss off.