JW: Hello Duttsy how are you mate?
JD: Fine.
JW: How’s your hand?
JD: F%£”*d.
JW: Not good then.
JD: (long pause) I don’t think you should start an interview like this.
JW: It’s the beginning of an interview Duttsy. How disappointing was your season last campaign? You had the illness and the injuries, how badly did this effect you?
JD: Well I wouldn’t like to blame injuries and the facial herpes but they did not me back a bit.
Liggo starts giggling uncontrollably
JD: The injuries and illness did stop me from reaching full match fitness.
JW: What was the highlight of your season? Was it being made tour captain.
JD: It was a great honour to step into the shoes of the great man . . . . Skipper. But I don’t know Wheels if that would be the highlight of my season. Scoring a goal with the side of my face while I was hammered has got to rank up there and that will have to be my favourite! Or maybe Andy Carr on tour, the funniest bloke at the Rangers.
JW: How did you find your responsibility to motivate the players for two big European games?
JD: I think you’ve got to look at Clarkey as an inspiration when you’re trying to motivate players. He has always been an inspiration to me with the way that he goes about things. It’s all very well messing about but that’s not what Headstone Rangers Football Club is about. You need to know when to take it seriously I think. But on tour people know what’s expected of them, it’s not a difficult task. People are always up for the game and they want to put in a good performance, everyone wants to get a goal.
JW: And me you did get a goal.
JD: That’s right we did, Fat Club showed the way scoring all the goals on tour!
JW: I guess like me, you’re quite glad that we’ve bought a new strip for this season. You were not a fan of the Kappa style figure hugging shirts were you?
JD: I would say that the kit restricted my performances last season as well.
ML: And your blood flow!
JD: Cheers Liggo! Form and blood flow definitely restricted. There’s no point going out on the footy pitch with a kit that looks painted on.
JW: We need it baggy don’t we?
JD: Yes, I’m not keen on going out there with an aero dynamic hugging shirt to wear. I want a football shirt. That’s definitely what I’m looking forward to most this year is having a kit that fits.
JW:
What are you going to do with your old shirt? Frame it and put it on a wall? Coz
you’re not going to wear it again are you?
JD: What I’ll do is our keep it, and then one day when I’ll lose some weight then I can use it as guide to how much I’ve lost.
JW: There was a rumour that you needed a shoe horn to get your shirt on? True?
JD: No shoe horn, just a little bit of Vaseline.
JW: Are you sponsored by Vaseline?
JD: I have to insist that I only use it to put last season’s shirt on!
JW: Who is your favourite strike partner? Who side you enjoy playing up front with the most?
JD: I enjoy playing up front with the Geezer the most particularly on tour. Maybe it was the influence of being Captain. I enjoyed being able to tell him to do all the work and Geezer doesn’t mind chasing a lost cause and its nice to play with someone who will do your running for you. Its not my favourite part of footy.
JW: What do you think of your other strike partners? Waley, Charlie and Olly to name just three.
JD: Waley doesn’t give the me ball, Olly well . . . . I don’t know what he does, Charlie likes the difficult ball and he will try and give the ball in front of me rather than into my feet. While Geezer mostly runs with the ball, gets tackled and the rebounds fall to me.
Duttsy farts and the stench lingers round the room
JW: What would you say to your critics who say you don’t pass the ball enough?
JD: Well they need to look at the reasons why I don’t pass the ball enough. Its all very well saying give me the ball. But look at Clarkey at training, he says pass me the ball, so we do and he f&$%s it up. I think I’ve got as good a chance as anyone doing something with it so I might as well take people on and try and create something magical. The other thing which annoys me is its hard enough for me to try and waddle along with the ball with the ball under control and look up. I’ve got to look at my feet with the ball, I can’t be looking at where people are. If they get the ball they can count themselves as lucky, if they don’t that’s the way it goes.
JW: Can you state on record now, where you want the ball passed to you?
JD: To my feet.
JW: To his feet ladies and gentlemen.
JD: I can’t chase it, look at me. You midfield donkeys stop knocking it long. It doesn’t take genius f&%$£*g midfield player to look at me and realise I don’t want the ball over the top. Its all very well saying you should get there but well its like playing you Wheels a ball down the wing.
JW: Right.
JD: What’s the point knocking that ball in the channel for you is there? Why knock the ball over the top for me then blame me? It’s there ineptitude that’s f&%$£*g the team up. Get it to my feet and let me lose it.
JW: Who is the most overrated player at the club?
JD: I wouldn’t say most overrated but I’d say that Waley flatters to deceive. He’s got more ability than anyone who has ever pulled on a Headstone shirt but I think he trys to do to much with the ball (pot calling kettle black, Ed).
JW: He’s not been the same since he returned to club has he? He’s a bit heavier.
JD: His nickname of ‘The Whale’ is not just because of his surname any more. I haven’t got anything against that, but he is the most underachieving considering his talent.
JW: What is your favourite goal? You must have one.
JD: Well apart from the one that went in off my arse, I can’t remember as I have scored so many.
JW: I can remember all my goals (there’s only been three).
JD: My favourite goal was Skipper’s volley against Hatch End Reserves. Not only was it a good goal to see the ball fly in the back of the net and then turn round to see in fact Skipper had struck it. To see that cheeky little grin on his face just made my day really. He didn’t stop smiling for about two weeks I didn’t think that he could kick the ball as far as the goal let alone scoring with a strike into the top corner. That would have to be my favourite goal.
JW: What’s the best thing about being a Ranger?
JD: The fact that you can turn up, pissed on a Sunday morning, really hung-over, without a shower and straight out of bed and still blend with everyone in the dressing room. No matter how bad you are or how bad you look there’s always a couple of people who look worse and play worse than you. We’re just a team of misfits really. It’s good for your self esteem when you can look round the dressing room and say I’m not the worse person in this team they’re lot of bigger losers than me. Naming no names.
JW:
Don’t know how to follow that Duttsy? What would your message be for the Gaffer
for this season?
JD: I would say the spirit of the Rangers has been all about the taking part. My message would be pick me, if I’m blowing out of my arse sub me, but don’t sub me for someone crap as that’s embarrassing! Send someone decent on, don’t replace me with Skipper just because you’ve gotta give him 3 minutes at the end.
Duttsy now gets giggles and can’t stop laughing
JW: So you don’t rate Skipper?
JD: Skip’s always relied on his fitness, being tenacious and workrate. But I think last year, well that wasn’t enough. I’m not saying get rid of him as he can do a job for the team but last season he was poor and I want to see him improve.
JW: Well that was very honest Duttsy, would you replace Skip as captain?
JD: I don’t think so, at the end of the day all he does is a toss a coin and shake hands. That is the role of any Sunday League Captain. You have your natural leaders out there like Clarkey. But really the one reason Skip should stay as I can’t think of a decent nickname for him other Skipper!
JW: Who should take the penalties? Mozzer likes taking everything should he take them.
JD: Listen anyone should be allowed to take penalties apart from Skip and his brother. If Mozzer wants them, let him take it at least he’s confident. When he misses we can rip the piss out of him, not that we haven’t got enough reasons anyway.
JW: Thanks Duttsy.
JD: It’s been a pleasure.