James Wheeler is Mr Headstone Rangers. Secretary, Programme Editor, Web Designer, Dictator. Here in his first interview for four years he reveals whose rubbish, is favourite Headstone Player and why more of the girlfriends should turn up on Sunday’s.
PJ: How are you doing fella?
JW: Can’t complain Jarv, can’t complain!
PJ: What’s it like to be on the other end of the questions?
JW: Daunting, I’m usually the one with all the cards but I’m just a pawn in the game.
PJ: Pawn in the game, we love porn!
JW: We lover porn!
PJ: I’m just going to fire these questions off, firstly how do you think this season has been going? For you and the team?
JW: Well I think if I go through my three appearances. First game I was jet lagged and thought I played reasonably well at QPR Stewards. Got the ball down and the passed ball quite well. Second game I didn’t really get in the and I didn’t feel very well and I found that I had an upset stomach and got diarrhoea and vomiting.
PJ: Lovely.
JW: The last game, well I had been on the piss for two days so . . . .
PJ: One out of three then (starts laughing)
JW: . . . Well I played well at QPR Stewards, AC Masala I thought I played average and I think I was dreadful against Hatch End! But we won so never mind! The QPR game we were winning comfortably until I came off and then it nearly went tits up.
PJ: For the team obviously you’ve seen the results, what do you think?
JW: Team wise very encouraging, very encouraging indeed. I smell success in the air can you smell it?
PJ: Well err I can smell something!
(both start laughing)
JW: Yeah sorry about that Duttsy was around yesterday!
(more laughing)
PJ: Oh no!
JW: No but we can do well and I think the AC Masala game was disappointing because their a poor side and their a load of filthy w*****s and when we play them again it will be an all out war. Get Clarkey midfield, with me and get little Mozzer in there biting at the ankles and we’ll sort them out and as I said in my column we need to bully them more. But I think Waley has been awesome, my dig at in him in the first programme to improve this year has definitely inspired him and he’s now scored in his last four games!
PJ: Doing well in the Middlesex Cup as well.
JW: Middlesex Cup is a definite bonus. Apparently there is a team left that has got two 17-year-old’s who Arsenal have just released. So if we stay away from them we have a chance. If we draw them, I’m not available!
PJ: Me too! Talking it a bit about your football obviously you’ve been playing centre midfield for most of your Rangers career. But is that your favourite position?
JW: Well I’ll tell you a little secret Jarv. If I was three inches taller and had pace I would love to play centre back. Because I think you can set the pace of the game by playing there. But because I’m five foot nine, shaped like a ball and with no real pace, centre midfield is quite a good place to play for me. I have got my role sorted, no one else can play it as well as me. Clarkey if you’re reading this you could easily play defensive midfield. Stop bombing on and grabbing all the glory and all the goals. It is about being a team player and not scoring like me. That’s what its all about. Also up front can be a bit of a laugh and I enjoyed my 20 minute cameo on tour.
PJ: Scored a goal!
JW: I looked a bit like Ronaldo, because of course he’s a bit overweight. I had last season’s kit on, the Kappa kit as me and Duttsy know it as. I threw a few shapes and I scored. But I do love playing midfield.
PJ: Okay, so we’ve touched on this in previous discussions but this 4-3-3 formation, is it the best for Rangers? We are leaking a few goals but we always do.
JW: Outscore the opposition Jarv, outscore them. I was a little bit disappointed that the 3-5-2 formation didn’t work last season. We have only one person, Crofty who could play as a wing-back. When we did try the formation Crofty played on the right and Waley who at the time was so unfit, he was also shaped like a ball. But I think that 4-3-3 is good for us as Waley doesn’t have to get back as much and he’s destroying the opposition at the moment. You’ve got people like Nick Reynolds and Duttsy who probably aren’t strikers (starts laughing) but their certainly not midfield players, so this role off the main striker should help them both. I think if you look closely Jarv we concede very few goals from crosses and we score very few from crosses. We concede goals through the middle and we score goals playing through the middle. So having that extra midfield player in the middle of the park is good for attacking and defending. Also it is good for me I’ve got an extra midfield player to do my running for me which is good! I like 4-3-3 its better than 4-4-2 and I think its good to play something a bit different. Most sides in Sunday league football we play 4-4-2. Also Jarvo, we’re rubbish! Okay!
PJ: Fair point.
JW: We’re playing Sunday league football whatever any one else says we’re rubbish. I actually having a formation which is a bit different keeps the opposition guessing. When they should be thinking about their own game they are worrying about us. They would be like ‘ooh hello there’s a third forward popped up over there, ooh Nick Reynolds is on that wing we’d better send someone to mark him, ooh what’s Charlie doing there? Ooh Waley is over there and look Wheeler is in the centre circle not moving.’ They don’t know what’s going on. Geezer doesn’t move a lot at his age now but he can still sniff a goal out.
PJ: I think it is working as well, I think we just had a bad game against AC Masala. What is the best bit about being a Ranger?
JW: Going out . . . . Getting absolutely battered with the lads, playing football with the boys the next day. If we lose which we did quite a lot last season be pissed off for about half an hour, get down The Goodwill have a Fat Bob Burger and everything is sorted. This season, win, happy get down The Goodwill have a Fat Bob Burger and everything is sorted!
(Wheels & Jarv start laughing)
PJ: It is getting a bit more serious in the last few years as people saying ‘hang on we want to win something’
JW: Of course we want to win something and I think all these people who moan about not winning anything were are they Wednesday nights? They’re not there are they?
PJ: No!
JW: I think the squad system is fine we can’t blame that on not winning anything. People have got to accept though that they’re not going to play as much if they don’t put the effort in and go to training and more importantly don’t put the effort in on the pitch on a Sunday, they just stroll around the pitch like their God’s gift when they’re not, they’re not very good. They’re rubbish like I’ve said we’re all rubbish. But if we can work harder on a Sunday and play as team, and play as a unit. If we have 10 people out there putting it in and only one person not we’re are not going to do very well. It’s a team effort and when we are playing together we’re not as rubbish as when we’re playing as individuals.
PJ: Some very good sentiments there Wheelie. In terms of you saying we’re all rubbish, who is the most underrated player or underachieving player at the club?
JW:
Charlie Rogers. I’ve know Charlie for a long time and he is such a good player,
he is such a good player. I think to myself, go out there Charlie and dominate
games I see some of things that he can do in training, well they’re things that
I can’t do.
PJ: Haaaaaaaaaaa
JW: He’s goes out and I think ‘Charlie what are you doing?’ that was for the last couple of years. But this year he has been absolutely awesome! It seems that my criticism to him in the first programme has really spurred him on.
PJ: His shooting ability is unbelievable and in training he bangs them in from everywhere. In the last couple of seasons he hasn’t managed to do that.
JW: You I know I said we’re all rubbish? Charlie’s not, Charlie is brilliant because if he believed in himself more because he could be the best!!!!
PJ: Great Talent.
JW: Charlie if you’re reading this you could become our Ronaldinho!!!
PJ: Very good Wheels!
JW: Accept you’re white and ginger!
(Wheels & Jarv start laughing)
PJ: If you could change one thing about the club what would it be?
JW: (thinks for a bit) . . . Cheerleaders!!!
(Wheels & Jarv start laughing)
JW: It would be great to see Jennie, Fran, Tanja, Karen, Sarah and Jules!!!
PJ: I we talking about female fans or Cheerleaders? As I was thinking more like the American Football Cheerleaders?
JW: I’m being realistic Jarv, (Wheels & Jarv start laughing again) I’m thinking that if the girlfriends turn up with the pom poms and those skimpy outfits. It would certainly force me to find a new job where I don’t work weekends! I also think it would get a few more players out of bed as well! Cheerleaders would be fantastic!
PJ: What’s the best thing about tour?
JW: Going out and getting hammered four nights in a row and then having to play football with a stinking hangover! Long may it continue! I’ll still be going with Crofty when I’m in my 70’s!
PJ: Do you enjoy your role as Secretary, Programme Editor and Web Designer?
JW: . . . Hitler had to start somewhere! Only kidding! The programme is funny and I know that we’ve have caused some controversy over the years!
PJ: Which One?
JW: No particular one comes to mind as there have been far too many! I do dish out to myself as well! Do people really want me to write ‘ we played very well, we dominated the game but lost 8-0’ of course they don’t, they want controversy. The website is good as fans can check the website from all over the world. All my friends in the USA like it as they do my friends in Africa. Buy the Band Aid Single by the way!
PJ: Absolutely!
JW: The world wide web is an amazing thing, it can be dangerous as well as we’re finding out at Sky TV at the moment!
PJ: Can you talk about that? You might be sacked!
JW: I can’t possibly comment on the ensuing porn investigation at Sky Television!
PJ: Cheers Fella!
JW: Thanks Jarvo.